Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been sexually abused as a kid. For most of my life I’ve been a loner and very distrustful of others that get too close to me. I wreck any relationship I’m in and I subconsciously think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who would want to get close to me. I don’t think I deserve to be loved.
Some of my favourite stories I have written, like the Jess and Cindy ones for example, portray stable and loving relationships. I think I write them as these are the sort of relationships I yearn for, but seem beyond my reach.
I wish I could be closer to other people. I wish I could learn to trust others more. I also wish I could let my walls come down. There is a line from the Suzanne Vega song “The Queen and the Soldier” where she describes the Queen “strangling in the solitude she preferred”. When I listened to that song recently I realised I was doing the same. I’m an introvert and I do like my moments of solitude, but I can go too far with it and end up cutting off everyone around me at times.
In my early twenties I thought that suicide was the answer to my problems. I know now that it isn’t. Life is long and can be very difficult at times, but I have slowly come to realise I want to be a better person than I am, than I have been, and that I do want to survive come what may.
I do see myself as a survivor. I take some pride in that label, but if I truly want to be a survivor and not a victim, then I have to continually work on improving myself the best I can.
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©2020 Joanne Fisher
joanne the geek 
I love that the Jess and Cindy stories are therapeutic for you as well as enjoyable to your audience. It seems you’ve done a lot over the years, and you’ll continue to grow ever-stronger and wiser! I consider you a friend, too.
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Thanks. I think of you as a friend too ♥️
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I am sorry to read this post, Joanne. So much tragedy and sadness in this world. I am glad to know that writing helps you, it helps me too. I also have faced adversity in my life, but not in the same way as you. Hugs.
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Thanks ♥️
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I wish I could offer wise words, that I could draw on my additional years to help you through this. But all I can say is that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling although others might feel it for different reason (abuse comes in many forms). Is there a way through it? My own answer is to enjoy my aloneness, to see it as asset not deficit, to look for the positive, not dwell on the negative.
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Genuinely I like being alone, though sometimes it would be nice to someone there. This post started as a late night musing. I wasn’t trying to be negative, I’m just stating the thought processes and feelings I’ve had through my life that have guided me thus far, and reflecting that maybe things could be better…
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Or they could be worse. I’ve often wondered what my life would have been hadn’t I taken a different route. But I”m guessing I’d still be me, the same as you’d still be you 🙂
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Yes I think so.
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Fine for us to wish and wonder in the middle of the night. But then with the day’s light… it’s time to get on with our lives. After all, who knows what magic we might run into just around the corner
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I’m sorry, Joanne! If it’s any consolation, I was not abused yet still have closeness issues -maybe it’s an introvert thing as well.
You’re a great person and I hope you find some other great people who are worthy to be close friends or a partner.
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Yes I think my introversion is definitely one reason for my closeness issues as well.
Thanks for your words ♥️
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You’re doing so well Joanne. What I read between the lines here is that you are not only surviving, but positively thriving.
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I think you’re right.
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As someone with severe chronic depression, I can tell you that, even if nothing else changes, your ability to deal with depression gets better. That, at least, allows you to live your life around it when you have to.
Good luck…
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Thanks. Yes I’ve lived with both depression and anxiety for most of my life. These days I’m able to identify a lot better (mostly) when I’m depressed. Yet life likes to throw in a few surprises now and then, like the odd panic attack in the middle of a supermarket…
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… and discontinue allowing your abusers (real or insinuated) so much power over you. This comes to you from a woman who took fifty years to figure it out..
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That was the real struggle. I couldn’t talk about it for years as though my abuser was still controlling me.
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