Notes from My Journey to Transylvania (fiction)

Notes from My Journey to Transylvania

I traveled through Transylvania by carriage. At one point we stopped at an inn. When I told them it was my plan to continue on that night to Count Dracula’s castle, the innkeeper did his very best to make me stay until morning. Honestly the things hoteliers do to get you to stay overnight so they can charge you for a room. Being wise to his game, I insisted on continuing my journey that evening. Also, whenever I mentioned Count Dracula’s name everyone looked at me horrified, but then again I also harbour a dislike towards the aristocracy.

*

When we got to Borgo Pass where Dracula’s own carriage was waiting for me, the driver on my carriage barely stopped. He just threw my luggage onto the ground and I had to get off while the carriage was literally still moving. The things these drivers have to do to stick to their obviously strict timetables.

When I got into Dracula’s own carriage, the driver never even spoke a word to me and then drove at a furious pace down some rather substandard road that climbed upwards to Dracula’s castle. I mean, we were driving by some rather nasty precipices, and I definitely would have recommended that he slow down a bit if I hadn’t been so momentarily terrified by his driving skills, or lack of. They are so crying out for some decent customer service training in these parts.

*

When I finally met the Count my worst fears were realised:  he was an eccentric old weirdo. The poor dear was so out of it he said: “the children of the night, what beautiful music they make” while a group of mangy wolves were howling outside. God knows what he thought he was actually listening to.

When I handed him the title deeds to his new properties I noticed his fingernails were in the need of a decent trim, and after accidentally cutting myself, he made such a fuss about it I also strongly suspected he was a massive germaphobe. To make matters worse when he poured me some wine he made it pretty clear he didn’t drink. Just my luck to be stuck here with some pious teetotaller.

*

There seems to be three women living here as well. I’m not sure if they’re staff, or his daughters, or some more distant relations, but I may have slept with them. All three of them at the same time. You see I nodded off in the library one night and then had the most insane sex dream regarding them, but then woke up in my bed the next day. Not really sure what happened there, and nobody is saying anything. I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. I hope Dracula isn’t upset with me over this. Must try to find out if they’re actually related to him.

*

One night I looked out my window and then noticed Dracula was crawling down the side of the castle. Good grief man, what’s wrong with the stairs?

*

I just realised it’s been a long time since I was outside. In fact since I began my stay here I haven’t been outside at all. It’s a good thing I’m so introverted. Back home I could quite happily stay in my own home for months without leaving if I could get away with it. I did try to go outside once, but I couldn’t seem to find any way out in this castle. All the passages and corridors look the same anyway. Dracula was rather remiss to not provide me a map of the place.

*

It’s occurred to me it’s been some time since I last saw Count Dracula. In fact I strongly suspect he left a long time ago to live in his new home. Frankly I’m surprised he didn’t tell me he was leaving. We could have traveled together. It might even have saved him some money on traveling costs. Maybe I should have let him know about that?

*

Okay I’m definitely sleeping with the three women here. I just wish they weren’t so into biting. I’ve never found that a turn on at all. I keep waking up with bite marks all over me. How am I going to explain them to my fiancée when I get home?

As soon as I find a way out of this castle I’ll head back home. I really hope Count Dracula is settling in and adjusting to his new surroundings. Hopefully they’re not finding him too weird over there…

Joanne Fisher

After watching the 1931 version of Dracula, I thought it would be fun to rewrite the beginning of Dracula from the perspective of a clueless narrator.

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©️2021 Joanne Fisher

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