Try New Beaver Slap To Help Get You Through Your Day!
Feeling like you’re just going through the motions? Like you’re never fully awake and achieving your potential? Are you just tired of feeling tired?
Try new Beaver Slap! It will make you feel like you’ve just been slapped by a beaver!
A drink specially formulated to give you that get up and go needed to get you through your day.
Do you regularly feel tiredness? Lethargy? Drowsiness? Ennui? Beaver Slap will give you the drive needed to face the cold directionless Universe every time! So, get slapped by the Beaver to get you through your day! In stores soon!
Joanne Fisher
Word count: 99
This was written with the prompt beaver slap provided by the Carrot Ranch’s May 30 Story Challenge.
“Your majesty, we can’t travel through the forest.” The knight stated.
“Am I not King? My power here is absolute.” The King insisted.
“But the elves have control over the woodlands.”
“We’ll see about that!” The King strode to the forest edge. “Listen forest denizens, I am your King! You will let us through!” He fell over covered in arrows.
“That really showed them your majesty.” Said the knight dragging his body away. Thankfully his daughter was more sensible…
I wrote this for Star Wars Day, but due to being busy I was unable to complete it, until today.
The Misunderstanding
“Wow it’s so amazing we’re on our first mission as members of the Rebel Alliance.” Ennik said. “This is so exciting!”
“Yeah, it’s super!” Brynla replied sarcastically.
“But I thought you wanted to be in the Rebel Alliance now?” Ennik asked.
“Maybe, but what is the first mission they give us? We’re nothing but a glorified taxi service.” Brynla explained.
“Well maybe they’ll give us a better mission next time.” Ennik suggested.
“Yeah, right.”
Their ship came out of hyperspace. Before them was the planet Kremut shining dully in the deeps of space.
“Mistress, we have come out of hyperspace.” E-5JF stated.
“Yes, I know.” Brynla was convinced that the droid was getting worse. It needed a serious reprogramming, preferably with something large and heavy… Unexpectedly an Imperial Customs Frigate came into view.
“Mistress, there is an Imperial Customs Frigate before us.” E-5JF told her..
“I’m aware of that!” Brynla replied.
“Freighter we have you on our scope. Prepare to be boarded for a customs inspection.” Said a harsh-sounding voice over the intracom.
“Not again!” Brynla complained.
Shortly afterwards, stormtroopers were investigating the hold while an Imperial Customs Officer stood next to Brynla who slouched against the wall with her arms folded.
“So what’s in your hold?” The Imperial Customs Officer asked.
“Corellian ale.” She replied.
“So what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a job like this?”
“Making lots of credits.” Brynla watched the stormtroopers reappear carrying a number of boxes. “Hey that’s really going to cut away at my profits.”
“Too bad. But if you want to make a complaint feel free to come over to our ship. You never know, you may get it all back if you’re especially helpful.” The Imperial Customs Officer stated.
“I’ll think I’ll just take the loss.” Brynla stated. The Customs Officer looked disappointed.
“Fine. It will be your loss then.” He replied. With that he and the stormtroopers departed back to their Customs Frigate. Brynla walked back the cockpit and joined the others.
“Just once I would like to meet an Imperial officer who isn’t a complete sleazeball.” Brynla stated to Ennik as she returned to the cockpit. “Why does the Empire make it so easy to hate them?”
“Er… I don’t know, sorry.” Ennik answered.
“Hate is not something I’m programmed to understand.'” E-5JF offered
“Relax you two, it was rhetorical.” Brynla stated.
*
“You and the droid unload our cargo and deliver it, then load up the new cargo.” Brynla ordered once they had landed in Docking Bay 37.
“Righto!” Ennik replied. “Where are you going?”
“For a drink.” Brynla replied as she walked down the ramp.
A few minutes later she was sitting in a booth with a glass of ale in her hands, waiting. A man sat down on the other side.
“I hear banthas still roam freely on the sands of Tatooine.” He declared. There was an awkward silence.
“May it ever be so.” She replied woodenly.
“So you’re the one taking me to the Alliance High Command?” He asked.
“Apparently.” Brynla answered. “My name is Brynla.”
“I’m Laslo.” The man replied.
“So why does the Alliance want you?” She asked.
“I have stolen data from the Empire showing troop and ship deployments in this sector.” He told her.
“Okay.” Brynla responded. “Shall we go now?” Laslo nodded and as they both began to stand up, two people unexpectedly joined them in their booth. A woman with long silver hair placed a blaster into Brynla’s ribs.
“Hello my pretty lady. You’re both going to come with us.” The woman declared.
“It’s been a while since I was called a lady.” Brynla replied as she realised her easy mission had just become a lot more complicated…
*
“Look what we found: two Imperial spies.” The woman announced. Laslo and Brynla had been led to a building on the outskirts of the spaceport. Inside was what looked to be a group of heavily armed commandos who now all looked at Brynla and Laslo rather suspiciously.
“Imperial spies? Give me a break! Do I look like an Imperial?” Brynla argued.
“Why what does an Imperial look like?” The woman asked.
“Well the ones I encounter all have a fondness for wearing uniforms.” Brynla replied.
“Their spies don’t.”
“What makes you think we’re spies?” Brynla asked.
“That man” The woman said pointing to Laslo, “is an Imperial Agent. We’ve been following him. We knew he was waiting for his handler to show up, and so she has!” The woman stated looking at Brynla.
“I’m not his handler. I came to take him to the Rebel fleet. He has important data about Imperial troop movements.” Brynla informed her. The woman raised her eyebrows at Brynla.
“I think I would know if there was another Rebel cell operating here.” She declared.
“Well obviously you don’t.” Brynla replied. The door suddenly burst open revealing a squad of stormtroopers.
“It’s the rebels! Blast them!” One announced. They began opening fire with their blaster rifles. Brynla hid behind a door frame, grabbed her blaster back and returned fire.
“Do you still think I’m an Imperial spy?” Brynla shouted at the woman.
“I must admit it’s looking less likely!” She replied as she also fired back at the stormtroopers.
A short time later all the stormtroopers were dead. Brynla watched the woman looking over the body of a fallen comrade. She then looked up at Brynla standing there.
“Maybe I did get it wrong.” She conceded. “But I did think he was an Imperial spy.”
“I understand you have to be careful. By the way, I’m Captain Brynla.” Brynla said. The woman looked up at her uncertainly.
“I’m Major Thinnik.” She responded eventually.
“Well I guess I better get Laslo to the fleet. Where is he?” Brynla asked. She looked around and eventually found him lying on the floor under a couple of other bodies.. “Oh crap!”
*
“I don’t understand why you insisted on loading the contact into the ship’s hold in a box.” Ennik stated as they flew away from Kremut.
“It’s so the Imperials won’t find him.” Brynla explained.
“But we’re now heading for the Rebel fleet. Surely we can let him out now?” Ennik argued.
“I think not.” Brynla answered. Her orders were to bring Laslo to the fleet, so that’s what she was doing. She suspected they were going to be rather disappointed.
“Yes. Something comes and takes us from the shelf.”
“All of us?”
“Eventually we all get chosen.”
“What happens once we’re chosen?”
“No idea, but I have heard rumours.”
“Rumours? What do the rumours say?”
“That when we are chosen, we are taken away to some far place. There we are ripped open and our insides are scooped out.”
“Our insides? To do what with exactly?”
“I heard they scoop them out and eat them. Then our skins are discarded and thrown into the trash.”
“That sounds rather far-fetched to me, and needlessly horrific. There’s no reason to suppose anything bad is going to happen to us.”
“I know. I guess we will find out what happens when we are chosen.”
Joanne Fisher
Just a normal story of talking bags of potato chips… I was hoping to find an image from a New Zealand supermarket, but all the images I found seemed mostly from the United States.
Her name was Gloria, and she was the most popular girl in school. With long blonde hair and the perfect figure, she was too good to be true. Even I worshipped her from afar. I only went to the football games to watch her cheerleading. She, of course, didn’t know I existed, which wasn’t surprising since I was the nerdy dyke of the school. She once talked to me: “Out of my way Cheesebreath!” I’ve remembered those words long after high school, like today when I’m looking at her resume and about to interview her for a job vacancy.
Joanne Fisher
Word count: 99
This was written with the prompt Gloria provided by the Carrot Ranch March 6 Story Challenge.
I walked into the elevator and pressed the button. The doors closed and the elevator began moving. Looking at the display I noticed it said EEBY DEEBY with the arrow pointing up, instead of tenth floor, as it should have. Panicking about what was happening I tried pressing the alarm, but nothing happened. I tried accessing the phone but couldn’t open the compartment. Then the elevator slowed and came to a stop. The doors opened to reveal a tropical paradise. A warm breeze drifted in carrying the scents of many flowers.
“Welcome! You have gained admittance to the paradise of EEBY DEEBY.” The electronic voice in the elevator stated. I got out and looked around in wonder. Behind me I heard the elevator doors close. I turned around to see the elevator was gone. Instead there was a pathway leading up to the mountains where it had been.
Out in the distance was a sparkling azure sea. A city lay sprinkled along the coast with brightly painted buildings. The cerulean sky was a deep blue with a blazing sun at its zenith. Around me were trees with large dark green leaves and brightly coloured parrots squawking in the branches. A rough brown path led through the forest and down to the city where I could hear music playing.
It was all very nice, but what I had wanted was to get back to my hotel room.
There was a knock on my door. I opened the door to find Natalie standing there. I didn’t like her very much. She always did her best to belittle me to make feel like I was completely useless and a lost cause. Still, I had invited her to come over.
“Hi Natalie.” I said with as much enthusiasm I could muster.
“Hi Jane.” she said smiling. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to your home before. I didn’t realise it was so small, but I guess it suits you to live somewhere so simple and plain.” I smiled at back at her.
“Come in.” I said warmly. She followed while looking around for any flaw or imperfection she could comment on later. I led her to the living room. We both sat down on chairs facing each other. She looked out the window to the back garden.
“I see you’ve tried to do some gardening. I guess there’s not much you can do with that small space, not like my place where there’s so much room.”
“Yeah I just let it grow.” I admitted. She nodded her head as though I was admitting I was a complete failure.
“I remember you telling me you lived with a monster. So, have you broken up with them yet?” She asked. “Relationships can be so difficult. I’m lucky really, I’ve been happily married for years now.”
“The monster’s not my partner. I live with an actual monster, you know, large and furry with claws and sharp teeth.” I explained. Natalie looked at me like I had gone crazy.
“I see.” She said slowly. “Are you being serious?”
“Totally.”
“And is the monster here now?”
“They live in the back room.”
“So you’re not afraid of this monster eating you?” She asked.
“Nah, we have an agreement.” I replied.
“I see.” She said disbelievingly while staring at me in case I made a sudden movement in her direction.
“Coffee?” I asked.
“That would be nice.” She replied with a forced smile.
I went to the kitchen to grind some coffee, while there, I suddenly heard screaming come from the living room. As long as I brought the monster something to eat occasionally then we were cool and they let me live here. It was the monster’s house after all…
joanne the geek 