His cycling tour of the alps was going better than expected. Everyone said he was a fool for thinking he could go mountaineering on a bicycle, but it was surprising how determination and sheer bloody-mindedness could get you further than you would think….
“This is what humans call cinema. This should inform us about their society.” Blarg said.
“Yes it’s a good way to find out more about them.” Krenut agreed as they sat down. After the film began the two of them watched in mounting alarm.
“These humans are dangerous! One of them walked into living quarters with a large chopping implement and began to dismember others with it!” Blarg said.
“Yes they seem rather bloodthirsty, but we must watch more before we report back.” Krenut replied. He put aside the booklet with the title: The Fifth International Horror Film Festival.
I’ve been a bit quiet of late. I hurt my back quite badly and at the same time I’ve been going through financial problems. It’s a bit hard to concentrate on writing when you’re in pain and also feeling quite hungry, but I’m sure things will soon get better…
My mind is still reeling. Last night my best friend came out. She told me she was a… vampire!
After she told me it began to explain everything: how she always seemed to be up all night awake and never around during the daytime, how her skin was always pale, how she never seemed to eat anything and was always drinking her “dark red berry juice cleanse” (as she called it), and of course, her taste in trashy black clothing. It explained it all.
I began to wonder if she wanted to be friends all this time just so she could drink my blood. I’m not a sanguivoriphobe, I just don’t want them to bite me. You know what vampires are like: they just want to turn everyone else into vampires like them. But I can’t be sanguivoriphobe, one of my best friends is a vampire…
Joanne Fisher
Sanguivoriphobe is the correct term for fear of vampires apparently. I was going to use vampophobe, but I decided to see if there was an actual term for it.
Personally I like vampires, not that I know of any real ones, but I love them in books, films and I love writing about them, though you should have guessed that by now…
“Hello. I’d like to make a claim on my insurance policy for my house.”
“Your house?”
“Yes, my house. It’s been destroyed.”
“How was it destroyed? Was it by fire or an earthquake?”
“No, a giant lizard walked out of the sea and destroyed it.”
“A giant lizard?”
“Yes it came out of the sea and began smashing everything up.”
“I see. So it smashed up your house?”
“Not quite, it stood on it.”
“Where you doing anything that might attract a giant lizard to attack your house?”
“Don’t think so. I just think my house was in the way.”
“Maybe you should have bought a house that was more inland.”
“Okay. When I bought the house, I didn’t think giant lizard attacks were something I would have to worry about. In fact, it never even entered by head as a serious possibility.”
“Well you need to be prepared for any eventuality.”
“So my lack of foresight in seeing that a giant lizard might one day stomp on my house is the problem here?”
“In a nutshell, yes.”
“I guess I’ll have to bear that in mind then.”
“I think so.”
“So am I covered for this?”
“Well reading your policy there is a provision for Acts of God, but a giant lizard isn’t really an Act of God is it?”
“I thought Act of God refers to any event that occurs outside of human control that can’t be predicted or prevented. I’m pretty sure a giant lizard walking out of the sea and stomping on my house is a perfect of example of this.”
“You might think so.”
“So you’re not accepting my claim?”
“I’m sorry this situation just isn’t covered.”
“So do I need to stipulate in my insurance policy that it should need to cover the possibility of a giant lizard destroying my house from now on?”
“Well yes, but we don’t cover anything like that.”
“So what do I do then?”
“Is any part of the house still able to be lived in?”
“No it was completely flattened.”
“Well I’m sorry, but we just can’t help you.”
“Fine. I really hope a giant lizard steps on you one day.”
Joanne Fisher
I wrote a flash fiction two days ago which I think some people have missed. Take a look at it here: The Graveyard Shift
I’ve actually damaged my lower back quite badly, so I’m going to spread out the rest of the 13 Horror Films posts. I won’t be finishing them on Halloween anymore, as I need to take care of myself.
I’ve decided to write about a particular horror film every day until Halloween. I’ve also decided to choose films that are not so well known or have been overlooked. Some will be contemporary, and some will be older. These posts will contain spoilers, so you are warned.
I’m going to try to keep it brief tonight as today I finally had my first Covid vaccination and I also did a lot of walking, so I’m feeling very tired at the moment, and a bit sore.
3. Rubber (2010)
“All great films without exception contain an important element of no reason, and you know why? Because life itself is filled with no reason…”
So you think you’ve seen everything? How about a film featuring a murderous sentient car tire? I didn’t think so…
Though it is in the English language and is set in the United States (the Californian desert to be precise), Rubber is actually a French movie directed by Quentin Dupieux. It is a horror comedy that satirises the slasher genre. It’s also a film within a film as a group of people with binoculars in the desert are watching the proceedings, though the producers try to kill them all off at one point…
At the beginning Sheriff Chad (Stephen Spinella) gets out of a car boot and says in all great films things happen for “no reason” (some of these “no reasons” he lists are intentionally questionable) and this film is a homage to “no reason”. And then for no reason, an abandoned car tire named Robert comes to life and first tries crushing things in his path (yes apparently the tire is male) and then discovers he has psychokinetic powers that enables him to explode animals and other objects he encounters.
When Robert gets to the road and starts following a woman driving a red car (Roxanne Mesquida), he starts exploding people’s heads. He follows the woman to a motel and watches her shower through the open door. He then stays up all night watching television in the adjacent room. After killing the maid who had thrown him out of the room, the police finally get involved led by Sheriff Chad, who gives up investigating at one point when he thinks the audience watching it are all dead, but it turns out there’s one person still watching out there.
After several days of leaving a trail of bloodied corpses, the police finally track down Robert to a house (where he is again watching television). They try to entice Robert out with a mannequin that’s packed with explosives, but it fails. The lone remaining audience member (Wings Hauser) chips in with his own suggestions on how it should end, but in the end Sheriff Chad strides into the house with a pump-action shotgun and fires it several times. He walks out tossing Robert’s carcass to the audience member…. but then… Robert is reincarnated as a tricycle. Yes, it’s a reboot of the franchise!
Don’t take this movie too seriously. If anyone wants to see it, let me know…
Margot looked out into the garden and saw Jen was gone. She had only been there a few seconds ago doing some gardening, and now all that was left was the gardening fork stuck into the dirt. She went outside and looked around, but couldn’t see her anywhere. Maybe she shouldn’t have let Jen use the vanishing cream she had bought from that strange old woman…
She had appeared on her doorstep one dark and stormy night selling her a number of potions, such as the Hare Restorer. Margot had thought it was a misprint, but sure enough once Rowen, her pet hare, suddenly died she had tried the Restorer on her and Rowen sprung back to life. She had initially bought them all from the woman just to get rid of her, but now she really wanted to see her again, as she had a growing number of questions.
joanne the geek 