She said her name was Clarice. We had arranged to meet in a café. In the end, she was thirty minutes late when she finally turned up. I don’t know why I waited for so long. I had already decided that she wasn’t coming.
Her skin was pale and her hair was long and dark. She had green eyes that seemed to shine in the dull light. I was feeling annoyed when she arrived and sat down before me. Her incandescent smile alone was enough for me to forgive her. So I stayed, and slowly we fell in love.
Last year I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have. She already had a partner and early on she just saw me as a friend, until it all got weird. It created all sorts of issues. But I can’t choose who I have feelings for. My problem is when I fall for someone my feelings go very deep and are hard to get rid of. The only thing that works is time and letting the feelings die but that can take a long while, even years. And though there are some days I’m fine, there are also many days where she is on my mind and on these days I have to hold tight and weather the storm. The best thing I can do is keep myself occupied and in fact this whole blog is just one really big attempt to stop me thinking about her, or at least help me get over the bad days when I’m feeling a lot of emotional pain, as I am today. But at least I’ve been constructive with my time.
When I look back at the last year I’m really proud of the stuff I’ve written and the projects I’ve started and finished. A year ago I didn’t think I would be putting up my own fiction on this blog as I’m doing now. It really just started as articles of things that interested me and my poetry. I think it’s proof that some good can be created out of a bad experience or situation. If I wasn’t able to write or express myself I would have finished myself off a long time ago I suspect, as I almost did last year. If I hadn’t survived I would never have completed my sequences The Return or Volcano City, and what is rapidly becoming my first ever completed novel, The Sky-Pirates of Durn, would never have come to be written. Sometimes you never realise the value of holding on.
I do often wonder how she is doing. I have no idea if she is reading my posts or ignoring them, but I imagine it’s probably the latter, even though if it wasn’t for her they may have never been written. A lot of great work was probably also created by similar circumstances. I think there are many artists and writers that were left behind or unwanted and this helped fuel their creativity.
The title of this post comes from the song Thought Disorder by the New Zealand group Tall Dwarfs. Listen to it here.
Has unrequited or lost love caused you to create work you are now proud of?
This is a re-post of a poem I published here in November 2017.
I was planning to post another chapter of The Sky-Pirates of Durn, but something has happened. I was on YouTube and my computer suddenly went crazy. Since then I have done deep scans and it has shown nothing. It may be a hardware issue, I don’t know, but it’s going to make typing out another chapter incredibly difficult and frustrating. I’ll show you what’s happening:
If I don’t bother editing it c3om7es out looking like this.9 If I use num7bers z1-.9 this is waht happens: z1x2c3v456m7,8.9. And it seem7s to be getting worse.9 If you hav4e any ideas about what to do let m7e know.9 I m7ay hav4e to take it som7ewhere to be fix2ed and that will take tim7e and m7oney I don’t hav4e.9
Secondly: I’ve tried to avoid adding a donations button to my posts, but I’m finding things really difficult at the moment. All donations will be greatly recieved 🙂
This poem was something I had to write to help get it out of my system. I haven’t really been in the mood to continue writing the story I’m working on or various articles I have planned, hence all the poetry at the moment. They’re all there worked out in my head, but at the moment I’m just chilling doing other things. I recently gave up smoking as I could no longer afford it and it was cutting into my food budget which meant I was going hungry a lot of the time and I think this is affecting my ability to sit down and write for long periods. Once all the nicotine cravings are gone I’m sure I’ll be writing long screeds of text again… 🙂
As it is Valentine’s Day I thought I would share a love poem, not that I have that many love poems that I’ve written left to post here. This poem does have the word love in it, so it counts in my reckoning. The title of this poem is stolen from an Ursula K. Le Guin short story, and it is not the only poem I’ve done this with.