The Emptiness (poem)

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The Emptiness

 

I was still only a child

when the dark first entered

and of course nobody cared

so I grew up feeling broken

believing my insides were black

and the vampires saw that

they knew I would let them in

to feed on what was left

it was my own tough luck

I was told I could be cured

so long as I paid lots of money

I didn’t really have, so I figured

no one was actually worried

about whatever happened

and the black emptiness

continued growing

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

 

Sorry it’s been a difficult day. Think of this as a plot summary of my childhood and early twenties….

 

 

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©2020 Joanne Fisher

Sometimes I Wonder… (thoughts)

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Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been sexually abused as a kid.  For most of my life I’ve been a loner and very distrustful of others that get too close to me. I wreck any relationship I’m in and I subconsciously think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who would want to get close to me. I don’t think I deserve to be loved.

Some of my favourite stories I have written, like the Jess and Cindy ones for example, portray stable and loving relationships. I think I write them as these are the sort of relationships I yearn for, but seem beyond my reach.

I wish I could be closer to other people. I wish I could learn to trust others more. I also wish I could let my walls come down. There is a line from the Suzanne Vega song “The Queen and the Soldier” where she describes the Queen “strangling in the solitude she preferred”. When I listened to that song recently I realised I was doing the same. I’m an introvert and I do like my moments of solitude, but I can go too far with it and end up cutting off everyone around me at times.

In my early twenties I thought that suicide was the answer to my problems. I know now that it isn’t. Life is long and can be very difficult at times, but I have slowly come to realise I want to be a better person than I am, than I have been, and that I do want to survive come what may.

I do see myself as a survivor. I take some pride in that label, but if I truly want to be a survivor and not a victim, then I have to continually work on improving myself the best I can.

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2020 Joanne Fisher