I was still only a child
when the dark first entered
and of course nobody cared
so I grew up feeling broken
believing my insides were black
and the vampires saw that
they knew I would let them in
to feed on what was left
it was my own tough luck
I was told I could be cured
so long as I paid lots of money
I didn’t really have, so I figured
no one was actually worried
about whatever happened
and the black emptiness
Sorry it’s been a difficult day. Think of this as a plot summary of my childhood and early twenties….
©2020 Joanne Fisher
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been sexually abused as a kid. For most of my life I’ve been a loner and very distrustful of others that get too close to me. I wreck any relationship I’m in and I subconsciously think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who would want to get close to me. I don’t think I deserve to be loved.
Some of my favourite stories I have written, like the Jess and Cindy ones for example, portray stable and loving relationships. I think I write them as these are the sort of relationships I yearn for, but seem beyond my reach.
I wish I could be closer to other people. I wish I could learn to trust others more. I also wish I could let my walls come down. There is a line from the Suzanne Vega song “The Queen and the Soldier” where she describes the Queen “strangling in the solitude she preferred”. When I listened to that song recently I realised I was doing the same. I’m an introvert and I do like my moments of solitude, but I can go too far with it and end up cutting off everyone around me at times.
In my early twenties I thought that suicide was the answer to my problems. I know now that it isn’t. Life is long and can be very difficult at times, but I have slowly come to realise I want to be a better person than I am, than I have been, and that I do want to survive come what may.
I do see myself as a survivor. I take some pride in that label, but if I truly want to be a survivor and not a victim, then I have to continually work on improving myself the best I can.
©2020 Joanne Fisher