Red Riding Hood (or at least my version of it)
Red took the brownies out of the oven. Once they were cooled she placed them in her wooden basket. Seeing it was quite cold outside she put on her red hooded coat and left her apartment to go and visit Grandma. She didn’t have a lot of money, but the word on the street was that Grandma had a new shipment in and at least she liked the edibles that Red baked enough to offer a trade with her.
Once she left the building she walked across the road to cut through the park to get to Grandma’s. When she came to the wooded area of the park she saw that among the trees Wolfy was standing there. Wolfy was a tall butch with closely shaved dark hair who had a reputation for being trouble. She usually wore a leather jacket but today she was wearing a long black fur coat which made her look rather strange. She leaned on a tree trunk smoking a cigarette sizing Red up.
“Hey little chapstick! I see you been baking some cookies. Wanna share?” Wolfy said as Red passed her by.
“I’m off to Grandmas. She’s got some new supplies in. I’m going to see if she’s willing to trade some for my edibles.” Red informed her.
“I hadn’t heard she got a new shipment. Maybe I should pay her a call.” Wolfy replied thoughtfully. “If she doesn’t want to trade you could always try scoring some skittles off the schoolkids.” Red just looked at her shaking her head and then continued walking. Wolfy watched her leave flicking her cigarette after her and then disappeared among the trees.
When Red finally got to Grandma’s house she climbed up the steps and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” cried out a muffled voice. Red opened the door and walked in to the hallway.
“I’ve got some brownies for you Grandma. I was hoping we could do a trade.” Red said in a loud voice. She thought she could hear some knocking from down below.
“Just put them on the table. What are you looking for hun?” said a voice from another room. Red put the basket on the table.
“I was hoping to get some beans, a little Special K, and maybe some E?” Red replied.
“How about some Snow White?” asked the voice sounding strangely high pitched.
“No it clogs my sinuses up.” Red answered. “Are you okay? You sound a bit strange.”
“I have a cold.” the voice replied.
“Where are you Grandma?” Red asked.
“I’m in my bedroom.” Red followed the voice to Grandma’s bedroom. She walked into the room to see a figure wrapped in blankets sitting on the bed.
“You must be quite sick.” Red said to the figure. The figure on the bed nodded.
“I’m just trying to keep warm since it’s so cold, but seeing you makes me feel better. I love that long red hair of yours. Why don’t you sit beside me?” Red sat down beside her feeling suspicious. The figure turned and put a hand on her leg.
“Yes my sweet?”
“What big ears you have.”
“All the better to hear your moans with.” the figure replied smiling.
“What big eyes you have!”
“All the better to take in your beauty with.” Red looked down at the hand on her leg.
“What big hands you have.”
“All the better to finger you with!” the figure replied again as her hand slowly went up Red’s leg and then leaned in for a kiss. Red dodged her head out of the way.
“What a big mouth you have!”
“All the better to eat you out with!” the figure said as she lunged towards Red, but Red was too quick for her. She quickly stood up and yanked the blanket away from the figure revealing a surprised looking Wolfy.
“Wolfy! What have you done with Grandma?” Red asked.
“Let’s just say she won’t be leaving the cellar anytime soon.” Wolfy replied arching her right eyebrow.
“You came to steal her drugs?” Red asked her incredulously.
“And to see if I could make it past first base with you.” Wolfy revealed. “It’s well known you two have a thing going on.”
“If you wanted to hang you should have just asked.” Red told her.
“Whatever. Anyway I’m so outta here.” Wolfy said as she stood up with a package in her left arm trying to get past Red.
“You’re not going anywhere with Grandma’s stash!” Red stated as she tried to get in her way. Wolfy darkly smiled and started advancing towards Red menacingly.
“And you’re going to stop me little girl?” she snarled as she came right up to Red and towered above her. Red backed away to the doorway. “That’s right chapstick. Get out of my way!”
“Help!” Red cried out. Just then the front door flew open and Jesse ran in.
“What’s going on here?” Jesse asked as she came up to Red. Jesse was wearing a plaid shirt and men’s jeans. Her hair was cut short.
“Wolfy’s trying to steal Grandma’s stash.” Red told her.
“Well if it isn’t Jesse the lumberdyke! What are you doing here?” Wolfy asked angrily.
“I wanted to get some edibles. I was just seeing if Grandma had any. When I heard Red scream I came right in.” Jesse replied as she walked right up to Wolfy. It was well known Jesse didn’t like Wolfy and Wolfy was scared of her. Wolfy began to back away.
“She also pretended to be Grandma and tried to make out with me!” Red informed Jesse.
“Is that so?” Jesse replied with rising anger while continuing to advance towards Wolfy. All of a sudden Wolfy threw the package over their heads. As their attention was diverted by the package flying over them Wolfy dodged them both and ran out of the house. Jesse chased after her.
Red went to the cellar door and unlocked it. Out came Grandma looking annoyed.
“That bitch Wolfy pushed me into the cellar and stole my stash!” Grandma fumed.
“Don’t worry! Me and Jesse stopped her.” Red informed her. “Your drugs are still here and Jesse has chased her off.” Grandma smiled at the news. She gave Red a hug and kissed her.
“You were always my favourite.” Grandma said to her.
This story began forming in my head when I read some other people’s versions of classic fairy stories. I’m not into drugs or anything and nor do I like the drugs scene, I just thought it was an interesting take which started with the question for what other reason was Red Riding Hood taking baked goods to Grandma? Grandma by the way is just the name others gave her as she was the local dealer. I imagined she was probably in her thirties or forties. I had fun writing this. Trying to get a woodcutter into an urban story was the sticking point until I remembered that lumberdyke is a term I came across recently. After that it all fell into place. It took me a long time to find an image I thought was okay. In the end I resorted to using a photo from the Amanda Seyfried movie.
Maybe there are some other classic tales I can despoil…
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