Hoarding (Terrible Poetry Contest)

Hoarding

 

I.

 

I thought this world crisis was a bit of a caper

and soon the long lines for goods would taper

but when I still go the store

there’s always so many more

all I’ve got left to eat is my stack of loo paper

 

II.

 

Due to the virus Bill hoarded beans

as stacks of them were within his means

but after eating so many cans

his butt alone could power vans

and he had to frequently wash his jeans

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

These “gems” were written for Chelsea Owens’s Terrible Poetry Competition. This weeks prompt was writing a limerick about stockpiling against a worldwide disaster.

 

Seriously I hope everyone is doing okay at the moment. I’ve not really mentioned the current state of affairs as I feel I’m being bombarded with more than enough information about the Coronavirus and its spread. My country is forcing visitors to two weeks of isolation. So far we’ve only had eight cases and no deaths thankfully. Think of my blog as a place to go for an interesting diversion from all the current issues besetting our world right now…

 

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2020 Joanne Fisher

 

 

Anniversary (Terrible Poetry Competition)

 

Anniversary

 

 

I want you to really know right now

This day I’m going to make you go wow

Surprise! It is our anniversary today

We’ve been together for one whole day!

 

I treasure every moment I’m with you

And I really hope you feel the same way too

I just love following you around

Even when you seem to go to ground

 

I just can’t wait when we dine tonight

With your skin looking lovely and white

I love it so much I’d wear it myself

Or possibly leave it dangling from a shelf

 

Anyways, this night I have a big surprise in store

It will probably make you drop your jaw!

I’m going to ask you to marry me

Because I think we are truly meant to be

 

So please say yes because I don’t know what I’d do

Without you, say no you’ll really end up in the poo

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Terrible Poetry Competition #60. This weeks theme was Anniversary. No further comment to make….

 

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

 

 

©2020 Joanne Fisher

Let Me Be Your Sponge Mop (Terrible Poetry Competition)

 

Let Me Be Your Sponge Mop

 

 

Girl let me be your sponge mop

just squeeze me and I’m ready to pop

full of moist love for you

I know you feel the same way too

 

Let me be your sponge mop

I’ll absorb your tears once they drop

I know you often have to cry

when you’re finished, just squeeze me dry

 

So let me be your sponge mop

and after we’re done, I’ll still be your sop

but just don’t leave me to dry in your bucket too long

just wet me sometimes, and I’ll spring back to life on song

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

Firstly, I would like to apologise to the Universe and everyone living in it for this poem. I’m sorry.

 

This was written with the prompt love provided by Chelsea Owens’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #57. So Chelsea shares some of the blame for this.

 

 

Please donate. You must see by now I need help… 🙂

 

 

©2020 Joanne Fisher

 

 

In the Bleak Midwinter (Terrible Poetry Competition)

In the Bleak Midwinter

 

 

It’s the bleak midwinter

cold winds are blowing

snow is falling, everyone

is miserable and frozen –

but not me

 

here in the southern hemisphere

it’s summer and I’m in short shorts

and a close fitting tank top

sitting out in the hot sun

getting tanned

 

and I think of you all up there

in the frozen north

cold and miserable

and I smile at the thought of you –

because I am an arsehole.

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #54. This weeks theme was The Bleak Midwinter.

 

In other news: I haven’t been online much lately. The WiFi where I live has been turned off as everyone is moving out (including myself once I find somewhere), and I’m relying on some free data my phone company has provided which will run out in a few days…. I’m praying that some kind-hearted soul might top my phone up before then, but my hopes aren’t high…

 

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2020 Joanne Fisher

 

 

The Vampire’s Night Out – Terrible Poetry Competition

The Vampire’s Night Out

 

There once was a hungry vampire

of fresh blood he could never tire

one night from his dark castle he flew

looking for a fair maiden that was new

 

until through a bedroom window he did see

a slumbering maiden who looked a beauty

so he crept into the room to have a bite

lucky for him she obviously had an early night

 

she was motionless and lying fast asleep

so right up to her he did silently creep

his fangs chomped down on her exposed neck

only to find the skin was hard, and his teeth now a wreck!

 

She was only a mannequin left lying in the room

he quickly left, flying in shock back to his tomb.

That experience left him feeling so pitiful

without his fangs, he now gets blood bags from the hospital.

 

 

Joanne Fisher

 

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. This week the theme was Halloween, so I wrote one about a vampire…

 

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2019 Joanne Fisher

 

Tanka About Pumpkin Spice (Terrible Poetry Competition)

 

Tanka about Pumpkin Spice

 

Pumpkin Spice is nice

I’m told by people who drink

overpriced coffees

I’ve never tried it and won’t

I’m too judgmental of them

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Terrible Poetry Competition. This week it was to write a tanka (each line has syllables 5/7/5/7/7) about Pumpkin Spice.

 

Here’s an article about tanka.

 

Go on go on go on:

Buy me a coffee! 🙂

 

 

©2019 Joanne Fisher

You’ve Really Got To Know Where Your Towel Is – Terrible Poetry Competition

You’ve Really Got To Know Where Your Towel Is

 

 

I use my towel for everything –

I dry myself with it, or wipe dirt off

sometimes I wear it as a short dress,

an improvised hat, or use it as a blanket

I even like to take it to sports events and

twirl it above my head in excitement

people say my towel is dirty, that it smells

but you don’t wash towels

do you?

when it gets damp I dry it outside

and then I wrap it around my head

Actually, they’re right

it does stink.

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Competition #42.

 

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2019 Joanne Fisher

 

 

 

 

Deja Vu – Terrible Poetry Competition

Beach Physical Simulation by Sally Im

Déjà Vu

 

It’s like I’ve been here before

all the beaches I’m at, all seem the same

they all have sand and rocks and water

and bathers slowly roasting themselves in the sun

and then there are the hotels –

all offering services and rooms that all

look the same no matter where you go

and all the people are the same too

I’m not actually saying they are literally all the same people

but that they are all the same types of people, that’s

what I’m getting at

I don’t mean to sound neurotic

but sometimes I wonder if I’m in a simulation

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Terrible Poetry Competition #39. The topic was vacations and as if you were writing a postcard to someone you know about the vacation you’re having.

 

I sometimes feel I’m unlearning years of craft in order to write these *sigh*

 

Please donate! 🙂

 

 

©2019 Joanne Fisher

Blood Money – Terrible Poetry Competition

Blood Money

 

 

When I yet again start running out of money

To the blood bank I go to sell off my red honey

It’s a rare type so they’re always in need of some

If only I could produce more I wouldn’t have to be a bum

 

I even offered to sell my mucus dripping out of my nose

Or the copious earwax or what I find between my toes

Or any other of my bodily secretions I would quite happily sell

But they weren’t so interested in those as far as I could tell

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Weekly Terrible Poetry Competition #33. This week was  the theme of unusual ways to make money.

 

Buy me a coffee! 🙂

 

Hamster Hamster (Terrible Poetry Competition)

 

Hamster Hamster

 

 

Hamster Hamster

What’s your political opinion?

Hamster Hamster

Do you want to run for office?

Hamster Hamster

Do you want everyone to be your minion?

Hamster Hamster

Or at this game are you a novice?

 

Hamster Hamster

Are you a socialist?

Hamster Hamster

Maybe you’re a conservative?

Hamster Hamster

Though you’re probably a fascist

Hamster Hamster

Big fascist hamster with no relative

 

Hamster Hamster

Are you going to put us all in concentration camps?

Hamster Hamster

Are you going to close all the borders?

Hamster Hamster

Are you going to make us just use lamps?

Hamster Hamster

Or are we all going to become hoarders?

 

Hamster Hamster

Are you going to make us build you a giant hamster wheel?

Hamster Hamster

Or maybe we will toil in factories making you hamster treats

Hamster Hamster

Is your running mate going to be a big grey seal?

Hamster Hamster

Or maybe we will all be unemployed wandering the streets

 

Hamster Hamster

There in your little hamster cage

Hamster Hamster

I’m not sure I ever want to let you out

Hamster Hamster

What you might do to us is hard to gauge

Hamster Hamster

So just sit there and pout

 

Joanne Fisher

 

This was written for Chelsea Owens’s Terrible Poetry Competition #26. The aim was to write a poem about small rodents’ opinions on political policies.

I did originally paste the poem in comments sections of Chelsea Owens’s post with no intentions of posting it on my blog, but I changed my mind.

I’m not sure if my last post was seen by that many people. It was my response to Sammi Cox’s prompt and you can view it here: Lost In Translation

 

Please buy me a coffee! 🙂